Ultimate Battle Ends in Shock

The battle between Good and Evil ended unexpectedly today, when David Hasselhoff admitted defeat on behalf of Good.

“We tried to tie this up back in the seventies.” David said, “But the results were too close to call. It’s taken us twenty years for a re-count, and now that all the souls have been tallied and independently verified, we have no choice but to admit defeat.”



“A lot of us are pretty surprised.” David continued. “We kinda figured it would go our way in the end. I know a lot of guys put their faith in the Revelation of Saint John, and I just want to thank them for all their help and hard work.”

David Hasselhoff, who stunned onlookers this morning by identifying himself as God’s representative on earth, was in reconciliatory mood. “Now that the final result is in, I’d just like to congratulate Emma and all those folks who campaigned on behalf of Evil, but this has been a partisan campaign, and I think now we need to work together to heal old wounds and move forward with unity.”

Emma Bunton announced to waiting press that David Hasselhoff had telephoned her that morning to concede defeat. “We’re very happy to have taken over the world and the heavens with such an overwhelming mandate.” She told our reporter this lunchtime. “With the contest out of the way, I think we will be free to introduce a wide range of changes across the board. I think the Champaign corks will be flying in Hades tonight.”

When asked about her true identity as the Antichrist, Emma said, “I realise it must come as a shock to most people, but the clues were there if you cared to look.”



Earlier today, a large percentage of the population disappeared in what many critics are already dismissing as the Rapture Lottery. “We just didn’t know who to take.” David Hasselhoff told the world’s media. “Standards have changed a lot since the days in which the criteria for acceptance into heaven were first established. People today just don’t have the same sort of faith as they did two thousand years ago. In the end we just had to take a cross section in the fairest way we could think of.”

As most readers will know, that method involved a rapture which took everyone in the world whose surname began with the letter “H”. Today has marked a series of disappearances, notably Australian singer and comedian Rolf Harris, Former leader of the Conservative Party William Hague, and Hollywood star Tom Hanks.

“We tried to pick a letter that nobody would really miss.” David Hasselhoff told frantic interviewers. “We really couldn’t think of many other letters that would have such little impact.”

Already though, there have been calls for an investigation into the procedure. Numerous sources have accused David Hasselhoff of nepotism, and rigging the result to make sure his family were selected. These were claims which he denied, adding, “This is absolutely ridiculous. I’m the right hand man of God, not George Bush.”

The effects of Evil triumphing over Good have already had far reaching consequences. In Holmfirth, West Yorkshire, a group of farmers complained that they were being ordered to hammer out their plough shares into swords. “We’re just not trained for this sort of work.” Albert Bullspittle told our Agricultural Correspondent. “It’ll be the ruin of us.”

But the news wasn’t all bad. Mr Bullspittle did concede one positive point. “At least now we don’t have to worry about lions lying down with our lambs. If you’ve ever had to queue up for fifteen pounds of fresh gazelle meat down at Hinchcliffe’s butchers shop, you’ll know what I mean.”

But not everyone seemed too distressed by events. In a press conference earlier today, George W Bush said, “We’ve met with Ms Bunton who has formerly informed us that Satan is now in charge of heaven and earth. Although this is a shock to most of us, I have been notified that The Lord of The Flies is pretty happy with the way we’re doing things right now, so there should be no significant change of policy.”

More news as it breaks.