Christmas Eve Misery

Several households around Holmfirth have had their Christmas blighted by the thoughtless actions of a lawless minority. Reports of criminal activity poured into the police station at a steady rate throughout the night as offenders took advantage of the season of goodwill to cater for their own selfish ends.

Mr and Mrs Bear of Woodland Cottage were distraught when they returned to their home after a short walk in Digley Woods. Mr Bear told our reporter “We only went out for a few minutes. In that time a young girl had broken into the house, smashed some kitchen furniture, eaten half the porridge we had left out, and messed up the beds upstairs.”

The Bears family have been contacted by Victim Support after experiencing an ordeal which the police described as “particularly callous and traumatic.” They returned home with their baby son to find the perpetrator still asleep in Mrs Bear’s bed, but she fled by jumping out of a window before they could raise the alarm.

“I feel violated.” Mrs Bear told our reporter. “She’d been through all our things and showed no respect for our property. I dread to think what might have happened if Baby had been in when she called.”

Police have issued a patchy description of the girl, saying she wears a blue dress and has long, blonde hair.

* * *

Mr Giant of Cloud Mansion in Netherthong called the police soon after to report the loss of a considerable amount of gold, an antique harp, and a chicken.

“I didn’t get a good look at him.” Mr Giant said, “But he smelled like an Englishman.”

According to detectives at the scene, the thief or thieves grew a genetically modified plant of some kind to reach an upper window. “It is quite possible that this was a quick growing variety of bean stalk.” They announced earlier.

Mr Giant was said to be furious about his loss. In a statement issued through his solicitors, he was said to be angry enough to “grind the thief’s bones to make bread.”

* * *

But the news was not all bad. In Lower Mill, a housebreaker was caught in the act. Somewhere between midnight and two, Mr Albert Yewsnipple, a local hill farmer, disturbed an elderly trespasser who was trying to sneak into his house via the chimney. Acting within the legal limits defined by the Home Secretary, Mr Yewsnipple, 116, took his shotgun and “Let the bugger have it with both barrels.”

He told our reporter, “I’m fed up with these townies trying it on just because I live alone. I shot him before he even got his boots out of the fireplace, and it served him right.”

Police were impressed with the actions of Mr Yewsnipple, adding their support for his actions. “Judging by the amount of Christmas Presents in the man’s sack, I think it’s safe to say we’ve seen the end of a malicious serial offender.”

The robber was described as being around ninety years old, with a white beard and wearing a red hoodie.

More details as they happen.