Slow News Day

Thanks to the speedy efforts of the Home Office and the Police, we have all been saved again. Hurrah!

We now have police from every single force in the country involved in tracking down the bombing conspirators. And many of these brave individuals are quite experienced in hunting criminals.

The break through came today when an anonymous tip off from Mrs Windershins, of 23 Sudbury Terrace, High Wycombe called the police to tell them she had found a suspicious hide-out in the local woods.

Police encircled the woodland area and arrested every non-white within twenty five miles of the Al Quayeda base, so as to eliminate them from their enquiries. Under Home Office regulations the terrorists will now be held for up to twenty eight days before having their documents lost.

The Local Police chief told our reporter “There are terrorists here somewhere. I can smell them. I can feel it in my bones…” Before reaching in his pocket for a selection of lollipops.

Soon after, the law enforcement agencies held a press conference to announce the scale of their find. “We did indeed find a very significant find.” The spokesman said. “It seems that there is a hole in the woods that might conceivably be used to store detonators in. It is round, smooth sides, and has small currant shaped objects littering the its opening.”

“Further to this, we have also found traces of very small footprints and a slight amount of brown fur hairs on nearby thorny hedges, so there’s no telling just how long this has been a major AL Quayeda stronghold..”

Later in the day, the police also announced that they had found a “significant number” of dried leaves and twigs, all of which were combustible and could easily have been used to burn false passports.

Plane Diverted

In related news, a plane was diverted to Italy when a misunderstanding caused a panic. Mrs Theresa Bombenborde, a citizen of the Netherlands explained the matter to our reporter. “I have great worries about personal hygene, and did not want to think that anyone else might have used my sick bag. I took the precaution of writing my name on the bag, but I’m afraid my pen wasn’t working very well.”

Iraq Objects

Meanwhile, dispirited after the death of their leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, CAMRI, the Campaign for Real Insurgency, has announced that they will be auditioning for another leader to take his place as the organization’s front man. So far both Jeffrey Archer and Robert Kilroy Silk have indicated that they might be interested if the money was right, but it is increasingly likely that CAMRI officials will be seeking to maximise their publicity by enlisting the help of Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne to run an X-factor style leadership contest. “We think there is a lot of energy in this part of the world.” Simon told our reporter, “And it’s just a matter of searching hard enough. If we can find just one homicidal fanatic capable of beheading civilians and soldiers indiscriminately then we can regard our time as well spent.”