Holmfirth Election Special

There were scenes of chaos and violence on the streets of Holmfirth this weekend as furious supporters of the Conservative Party took to the streets to protest their anger at losing the local By-Election to the Liberal Democrats.

Enraged tories armed with automatic weapons seized the Saturday Craft Market and barricaded themselves inside the pamphlet section of the Tourist Information Office, declaring the photocopier and coffee machine their sovereign property and threatening to kill anyone who attempted to buy a map of Summer Wine locations.


Across the county, politicians have voiced their concern as the situation worsened. It’s a stark contrast to the scenes of optimism on Friday, when so many people in Holmfirth turned out for their first free and fair election in over seventy days. While the ruling Conservative Party officials roamed the streets to the praise and admiration of the electorate, nobody could have guessed the upset that was to come.

The first inklings that the party would be in trouble came soon after midday, when a leaked memo predicting a major upset prompted George W Bush to say that he would not work with a town council whose manifesto didn’t support bombing Arabs into compliance.

However, by the end of the evening it became clear that the Liberal Democrats had taken the town with enough of a majority to form a council of their choosing, and they wasted little time in making it known that they would not be invading any sovereign nations for the foreseeable future.

Speaking from Downing Street, Prime Minister Tony Blair said he would have to look very seriously at whether or not it might be necessary to impose political or economic sanctions on the whole of the Holme Valley until they could get their act together and elect a more America-Friendly regime.

“I know we wanted Holmfirth to embrace democracy.” He told our reporter, “But that was when we thought they were going to vote for the other fellows.”

The clashes in street have continued, with police doing their best to hold back crowds of Tory Wives along Hollowgate who have converged to throw their blue rosettes in the river and burn their framed photographs of John Major. They feel severely let down by their current leadership, and are calling for the resignation of any Conservative MP whose name they can remember.

Taking office, the new Lib Dem Councillor, Doctor Frank Pigliver, appealed for calm, and also appealed to the leaders of the world not to punish Holmfirth for the way they had voted. “In the end, God will provide for us.” He said. “Since God is clearly from Holmfirth, how could it be otherwise?”