Countryside Outraged Again!

There have been claims today that the entire structure of rural life is once again under siege from the government in Westminster, after yesterday’s announcement from DEFRA that the sport of Lamb Coursing might soon be outlawed.

Dozens of people gathered outside the Council offices in Holmfirth this morning to protest at what they saw as yet another infringement on their rights. Colonel Rupert Branston-Forthright, (Retd) of the Pennine Foot and Mouth Regiment called for major protests all over the Christmas period. His pressure group Rural Majority is already planning to disrupt New Year celebrations in London by driving their cattle through Trafalgar Square on the stroke of midnight. “There’s the small matter of having to walk the buggers down the M1 for three hundred miles before hand, but I’m sure we can overcome that little obstacle if enough of us chip in, what?”


Rural Majority protestors get ready for tough action

Yesterday’s announcement by DEFRA has shocked a rural community, still reeling from the ban on hunting foxes with dogs, which is due to come into effect in the New Year. “This really is the last straw.” Said local Lamb Coursing expert, Sydney Bullscrote. “They’ll be banning Piglet Tossing next, you mark my words.”

But there have been growing calls to outlaw Lamb Coursing throughout the UK, with many pressure groups objecting that the sport is unnaturally cruel. “What’s cruel about it?” Bullscrote demands. “I breed lambs for the chase. It’s the most natural thing in the world. If you’re a lamb you expect to be chased by a dog every now and then. It’s not as if we’re doing anything twisted.”

“It’s yet another example of townies wanting to turn the countryside into a theme park. Country ways have been around for a lot longer then the do-gooders. What do they expect us to do instead?”


On Your Marks - Two lambs get ready to race for their lives

Lamb Coursing dates back to the early twelfth century, where farmers used to ensure good breeding stock by allowing the slower lambs to be killed off early. These days the practice of setting a well trained dog after a pair of lambs might seem a little old fashioned, but it still draws in the crowds. Ladbrokes’ official figures state that at least eighteen million pounds were spent on bets through the sport, with many of the more prestigious events being relayed live to licensed betting offices across the country.

“It’s not as if both lambs gets eaten.” Bullscrote pointed out. “Each lamb’s got a fifty-fifty chance of making it out of the field in one piece. We’ve always had a strict rule of two lambs and one dog.”


Loving care - But what's the secret of Bullscrote's success?

But at the time of going to press, Bullscrote was under something of a personal cloud. There were accusations being levelled against him of rigging the outcomes by using performance enhancing drugs. “It’s a load of rubbish.” He told our reporter. “I’ve never given my lambs anything but milk and isotonic sports drinks. They’re welcome to test the carcasses after the dogs have finished with them if they don’t believe me.”

More details as they happen.